Posts Tagged ‘taliban’

December 16, 2014 – my Facebook news feed has been in black out for some 24 hours now. The tragedy is one that surpasses all we’ve seen until now. There’s anger, grief, fear, and amidst all that there’s also a sense of ‘nothing will come out of it as usual.’

For one thing, the PTI sit-in has ended, and while that may not be happy news for some, we are really not concerned about that right now. What we really are concerned with is why does CNN keep saying the 132 children were killed for going to school?

They must be corrected! They must be told that the children were killed as retaliation to Zarb-e-Azb. And FYI those dead were also Muslims so if you’re going to equate Islam with terrorism, we pity you for your lack of perspective/education/brains. And also that this war is imposed upon us because of the West’s war on terror.

I agree with all that except the latter part. It IS my war. It has been my war since the first time the Taliban said they didn’t believe in the constitution of Pakistan, attacked a Pakistani city, killed a Pakistani civilian, posed as a security threat to the Pakistani nation.

But where is my call to jihad?

Instead we have another committee formed to compile another report that will be archived soon enough.

Since 2008, 800 schools have been attacked all over the country but without any backlash from the government who is responsible to react. Over 300 Talibans were FREED by the government instead of being hung/stoned/shot. All the while, our people were killed (over 50,000 now thank you), soldiers were butchered (must’ve heard about the 23?), airports, military bases and historic monuments were attacked and burned down.

Pakistan did NOTHING.

Well, nothing except hate Malala Yousufzai, which actually makes me wonder: what if one of the survivors, the 13 year old who pretended she was dead to stay alive or the 16 year old who stuffed his own tie in his mouth to keep from screaming, stood up and raised his/her voice against the aggressors? Would the Nation condone that? Would that be enough to fight back this terrorism? Because the last time somebody spoke up against TTP after she survived their attack, we engaged in heavy victim shaming, called her an agent/puppet of the West, despised her for her Nobel, outlawed and disowned her.

A brave Pakistani girl like her has an anti-Malala day while Maulvi Abdul Aziz has air time to spew more hate and condone the Peshawar attack.

Where is my call to jihad?

Pakistan being such a ginormous fortress of Islam, a nuclear state, with a fully functional army – what more would we have to bear to uphold the sanctity of this Islamic state? Sanctity of ginormous fortress was flogged, shredded, raped, murdered, brutalized, and tainted decades ago while we thought it was more important to hang Asia Bibi (but spare Junaid Jamshed), burn and kill the non-Muslims and the wrong Muslims (but negotiate with the terrorists). Okay, we were being patient (read: stupid) and the better person (victim) but now the children are dead!

I think it’s time for Pakistan to bring on the jihad!


In the newsroom:

Everyone everywhere is wondering why Pervez Musharraf, the ex-dictator of Pakistan is being tried and not the other 19,689 terrorists who have killed and are killing Pakistanis on a daily basis (while also giving interviews on TV), not the judges who endorsed his coup and not Nawaz Sharif and ilk, and Bhuttos and ilk who well, did everything in their power to ruin the country.

Honestly, are those people dumb? Seriously? Why ask a question with such an obvious answer!

Mushy, I mean Musharraf DRINKS!! Astaghfaar!! That alone is enough to make him an outstanding kaafir and that, ladies and gentlemen, makes him a traitor and he should be punished and – oh wait, *voice speaks in ear piece* update coming in – Imran Khan drinks too.

*Nervous laughter*

Ahem *clears throat* So what? I mean PUHLEEZ! He drinks in the memory of Osama Bin Laden, it’s different. That is allowed. And besides, I cannot bring in personal stuff about IK.

*cellphone with Bollywood ring tone ‘Character Dheela Hai” starts ringing. *Frantically turns it off*

This… his personal life is totally irrelevant, OKAY! Also, his followers (PTI cyber wing) won’t like it and will hack into my account and post pics of feces on my wall and call it a victory. Nothing pretty about that.

Ok then! Next: Bad Mushy…I mean MUSHARRAF wrote about his affairs in his book! Haww! The shame and…what’s that? IK had how many affairs? Nobody knows? Not even IK? Well, he did marry and settle down eventually, didn’t he?

*stares, mortified*

So! Moving on – Mushy…dammit, I mean Musharraf operated on Lal Masjid!!! He cut it open and out flew burqa clad mullahs. Wait, what’s that? *voice speaks again in ear piece* There was only one? Really? Just one?

How so not dramatic. *pout*

Alright then, but the list of Musharraf’s crimes is never ending. He went and bombed Bugti for no good reason. Yes, being an anti-Pakistan warlord, landlord is no good reason. And it doesn’t stop there. He bombed the Sardar while he was in his lavish, cool, water-filled swimming pool in the heart of Baluchistan!! *makes sad face* What’s that? He was in a cave? They have pools in caves? Oh, he was in a cave, not a pool…because he was on the run and hiding there while Pak Army was searching for him!

Oh well, let’s get serious and talk about that fateful PIA flight on THAT night of October!!! Remember that one? Now, that is treason! That is violation of our air traffic laws and India’s airspace and Musharraf had no right telling the pilot where to land! Er…what’s that? That was Nawaz Sharif? It wasn’t Mushy who told the pilot to land in India? Are you sure? Dammit!

Okay then…ON OTHER NEWS! Yeh sher ka bacha hai!! Baday hokar PMN- L join keraga! Iskay paas peacocks bhi theen, lekin usko baagar billi khaa gayi. 21 policemen have been sent notices for letting this horrific, horrific crime happen.

So as you can see, CLEARLY, Musharraf IS a traitor! How can we forget (and we won’t let you either) NOV 2007 when he blatantly and oh-so-savagely removed the Chief Justice from his post!!! How dare he! The lawyers were up in arms and…What’s that? Peaceful protest? No arms? Oh okay…arms but like not armeD! As I was saying, HOW could he do that?!! What’s that again? He got references from the Supreme Court AGAINST the Chief Justice ?

*googles that for more detail*

But… but…but CJ was a NICE guy!!! He said Musharraf’s coup was justified and EXACTLY according to the constitution!!! Oh wait, I can’t say that. Because that’s something that cannot be named/said/ever in a zillion years because it takes all blame away from Musharraf and puts it on every other idiot.

I think I’ll go write about those peacocks now. And you people should just accept it! Musharraf is a TRAITOR, OK! Because I said so! Bas!

Note: I wrote this piece with Shamila Ghyas and needless to say, it was a riot!

Shameless in the Veil

In Taliban’s Pakistan, women will not be allowed to wear jeans but men will be entitled to wearing burqas as and when they please.

According to very terrified sources, men will be encouraged to keep a burqa handy by say, thrown over their shoulder/head/woman so that it’s always within reach in case of an emergency. In fact, every man under Taliban regime will be provided with a zambeel to store his Emergency Exit Burqa. The EEB’s can range from glossy to cotton and from body-hugging to billowing.

When inquired about possible emergencies that may require EEB’s, shunning law-enforcement authorities was number one on the list. When asked, won’t the Taliban themselves be the law-enforcers in their own regime…we were stoned.

Reporting from the grave here. Live at Night.


And so Taliban Khan prances towards the entrance to the coveted Cave of Terror. Baad-az-Saat Salaam to the Asst. to the Asst. of Terror Master guarding the gates, and sufficient laanat malaamat on Yahod-o-Nasaar (with the exception of goldsmiths of Britain), he enters.

Meanwhile, Mullah Lal Masjid was spotted harassing his tailor (bazooka blaster on-call) with sticks and stones that would break his bones if he failed to deliver the Mullah’s latest order of a silk Shuttlecock in peacock colors and pure non-Ajami gold threadwork.

Ameer-e-Islami, after caging yet another rape victim along with her three witnesses, was seen spritzing his starched self adequately with khushbo and running out singing Aii Milan Ki Bela!!!

We here are standing by to see what more this circus of Talibans talking to Talibans Only has in store while an army general is due to be hanged in about – now. We request you to please be a true Pakistani and do nothing. Just watch. Do nothing. Be nobody.

(post by My Protest, cartoon by Sabir Nazir)